Motherhood | The Bright Side

Friendship At Every Age

October 7, 2017 by Bright 5 Comments

Remember that song we sang as kids? “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.” Does that mean our new friends are silver and our old ones are gold? Or maybe it’s the other way around. How about platinum friends? I’ve definitely got a few platinum friends and probably some bronze, copper, nickel, tin and aluminum friends too. The point is – making and keeping friends at any age has it’s challenges and triumphs. We assume making new friends gets easier with age, but honestly I believe it gets harder. You add kids into the mix and your life is no longer your own. You’re lucky if you can squeeze in a lunch date or a girls night out. At some point you realize it’s okay because your true friends are there for you no matter what. Even if you haven’t talked with them in months, you can call them and pick up right where you left off.

I was recently at a lunch with some ladies of all ages and it was fascinating to hear how each of us had friendship challenges. Many of us were moms, some older, some younger. But the common thread was no matter how old we get, we still have to navigate the nuances of making new friends, keeping old friends and actually letting some friends go. I had to break the news to my middle-school-aged daughter, who sadly has been the recipient of some mean girl situations, that even when she’s my age, mean girl stuff still happens. Just because I’m in my forties doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. And neither do my friends. But as with most of our life experiences, we can learn and teach our kids through them. Here are my own teachable friend moments, which I hope resonate with you and encourage you.

Be the kind of friend you want to have in your own life. Or as the saying goes, treat others how you want to be treated. Even Jesus tells us in Luke 6:31, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I know I can be a better friend, and quite honestly, I can be a better friend starting right here in my own home to my husband and kids.
Don’t take it personally. Ouch. This is the hardest lesson for me to learn because I tend to take everything personal. I’ve had to unlearn this, especially with friends and those I’ve thought were friends. We have to extend grace because we don’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes — Remember, it’s not always about you.
Don’t over extend yourself with too many friends. I’m a sociable person and involved with a variety of groups. It’s a great thing, but if I’m not careful I’ll run myself ragged trying to plug in everywhere. We can’t be close friends with everyone and it’s okay. It’s like a circle with several outer circles. You have your best friend(s) in the center, then your great friends, then your good friends and then acquaintances. Even that might be too many people for most people.
Four quarters are better than 100 pennies. Love this nugget of truth my friend Stephanie shared with me. It’s easier and often more meaningful to keep up with a few close friends than trying to keep up with 100. Share this one with your kids when they’re feeling bummed about being left out by a supposed good friend. Or when your child seems content to have just one close friend and you tend to have many. Less is more.
Friendships go through seasons – just like we do. Our lives are made up of seasons – single, newly married, married with no kids, married with young kids, married with old kids, empty-nesters, senior citizens. All these seasons of life carry with them all sorts of friendships. The friends I had when I was single in New York City are different than the friends I had when as a brand new mom. And now the friends I have in Tampa as a mom with four kids are different than the friends I had in college or even high school. But if we’re lucky, we keep friends from all seasons of life – the gold ones, the silver ones and every metal one in between.
Learn to say sorry. If you offend your friend, apologize and show empathy. It’s inevitable we will hurt and get our feelings hurt in friendships. We’re only human. How you handle it when it happens is what is important. If you’re in it for the long haul, do the work to stay friends and communicate how you feel and listen to how they feel. It’s easier said than done. Sometimes it’s easier not to say anything, not to be uncomfortable and to move on to other friends. But who benefits? – no one. On the other hand, if you’ve tried to communicate and the friend isn’t interested, learn to let them go and move on. Life is too short and too full as parents to be bogged down with someone who doesn’t want or know how to be a friend.
Cultivate your friendships. Relationships grow stronger when we give them our time and attention. Sometimes though we’re in the throws of parenthood and we can’t squeak out the time we’d like to be a good friend. In these cases, even a quick phone call to say hello, or a text to say you’re thinking about them is a good start. When we give our time and energy to something, good things come out of it.
Manage your expectations. One friend can’t be your all-in-all. Your spouse might come close, but realize your friends can’t meet your every need, and therefore don’t put those expectations on them. Actually don’t put those expectations on anyone, not even your spouse. Only the one who created us can meet our every need and God know us the deepest. When it comes to friends, we each offer something different and unique to one another. I have one longtime friend who I know when I call her, she will make me belly laugh about the hardships of motherhood. I have another friend who when we get together for coffee, she knows how to go deep into the heart of spiritual things which matter. And another friend who keeps it light and fun. Know your friends’ capabilities and keep your expectations real.

Friendships are a gift and I’m blessed to have some fabulous women in my life. Thank you to ALL my friends over all the seasons of my life. I love each of you more than you know.

Credit – True Friendship Quotes on Pinterest.com

A Mom’s Three-Ring Circus

September 17, 2016 by Bright 2 Comments

Artwork by Avery Owens circa 2013.

I often get my writing ideas in the car and they usually come to me in analogies – when I compare my life to something else. The other day my schedule was packed and I mean jam-packed. My four kids were at three separate schools and as usual, Monday was early release day for all but one child. Thankfully my husband works from home and we can often tag-team on school pick ups. But this Monday felt full, very full. My two girls were starting lacrosse for the first time that evening, and I had my kids’ tutors for math and spelling falling on the same day, at the same time. It was a mental exercise to figure out which kid was going to sit down with which tutor at exactly what time. Needless to say, my life that day (and most days) felt like a three-ring circus.

Do you remember as a kid going under the big top and being mesmerized by all the colorful activity? In one ring the circus clowns stuff themselves into a small car, and in the center ring the lion tamer shoves his head in the lion’s mouth, and then in the third ring the trapeze artists swing from one side to the next. And above it all a tight-rope walker is suspended in mid air. It’s too many good things happening at once! You don’t know where to focus and you’re afraid if you look away from the lion tamer to watch the clowns, you’ll miss some incredible death-defying trick. Your eyes bounce around to take it all in and it’s thrilling, but at the same time visually exhausting and usually frustrating if you’re trying to watch it all at the same time. It’s beautifully impossible.

Sometimes our lives as moms can feel like a three-ring circus. When I google the definition of a three-ring circus, Merriam-Webster.com states the obvious which is a circus that has three separate areas where performances occur at the same time. But it also says it’s a place with a lot of busy and confusing activity or something wild, confusing, engrossing or entertaining. I don’t know about you, but I can certainly relate to busy and confusing activity. Did you know the circus didn’t start out with three rings, but with just one ring? In reading some of the circus history, rings were added to give the audience “more bang for their buck,” but even in the late 1880’s when the first-ever three ring circus came to town, not everyone was a fan. On the site, History-Magazine.com, it says, The New York Herald called the three rings a drawback because “the spectator was compelled to receive more than his money’s worth; in other words, that while his head was turned in one direction he felt it was losing something good in another.” Sometimes more isn’t always better.

How often as moms do we feel like our kids are going to miss out if they don’t get to do a certain activity? But who is really missing out when we’re doing too much? I think we’re all missing out. Just as it’s hard to fully take in all the fun things in a three-ring circus, it’s hard to take in and enjoy a life that’s a three-ring circus. So how do we scale back? How do we go from a three-ring circus back to a two-ring or even a one-ring circus? Do we even want to go back to a one-ring circus? Can we make three-rings work? Moms are expert jugglers and only we know the capacity of our kids and of ourselves. We have to get good at assessing our time, our kids’ time, our capacity and understanding the season we’re in and what we can handle as a family. Every school year is different and comes with it’s own challenges. We have to decide how much challenge we can handle.

The circus, as coined by P.T. Barnum. is the Greatest Show On Earth. But you know what, life with kids is OUR greatest show on earth. Even though at times it feels like a confusing, wild, three-ring circus, it’s still a freaking circus and circuses are suppose to be fun! Let’s remind ourselves to have fun and if we miss what’s happening in ring one, who cares – focus on ring two or ring three. So grab your circus popcorn, cloud of cotton candy and refreshing Coke and enjoy the greatest show on earth – your life with kids.

Calm In The Clutter – Part One

August 30, 2016 by Bright 1 Comment

I’ve learned a lot as a mom of four kids, but one thing I continue to learn is how to find calm in the constant clutter. It seems impossible, but it’s really a mindset.

Ahh…the baby nursery. Such a sweet, picture-perfect room – not the case in my home. None of my kids have ever had a complete, finished nursery. But honestly, who cares? Here’s my 2-year-old’s room before clean up time. Does it make you anxious? I’ve learned the ability of “chipping away” at the mess and not trying to tackle it all at once. Mind over matter. The clean room lasted one day, maybe two. Such is life.

We try and control our atmosphere, our home environment and even our kids. But it’s really about getting control of our thoughts and emotions in the midst of chaos. Raising kids, multiple kids is chaotic and until we can find peace in the midst of it – we’ll drive ourselves crazy.

With each child I’ve been blessed with, I’ve also been blessed with the ability to let go of any expectations when it comes to a clutter-free home. It didn’t come easy and I still wrestle with my expectations, but for the most part, I win. I don’t have a Pottery Barn-catalog home, and I won’t until my kids are grown and out of the house. I’m okay with this – to a degree. I remember having my first child and how organized I was with a few toys and handful of books in our 1500 square foot home in Queens, NY. I bought these great leather cube organizers (Pottery Barn of course,) which served three purposes in one – ottoman, table and toy-hider. They were great until we had more kids. Then it was a free-for-all and those cute little ottoman toy hiders couldn’t do the trick. I then pulled out a label maker and went crazy labeling toy bins. That worked — for a minute. I added more bookshelves to the kids’ rooms and still books piled up. I bought clear plastic containers to shove under beds, but still the stuff seemed to overtake my home. With four kids it’s a constant battle with the stuff – toys, clothes, books, crafts, school papers – you name, they have it or bring it home. It can overwhelm the most organized mom to a point where she’s melting down, going on a rampage with a garbage bag in hand threatening to throw away ALL the toys in the house. I’ve been that mom, and I’m sure I’ve scarred my kids for life. Thankfully kids are resilient, and they’ll get over it. Or they’ll seek counseling when they’re adults and then have their own kids and know what the heck it’s like. Either way, finding calm in the clutter comes down to a mindset. It’s like those sayings, “You have to pick your battles,” or “Don’t make mountains out of mole hills.” Don’t allow stuff to control your atmosphere and therefore your emotions.

My son has the best room in the house. Although by the looks of this, it’s one of the messiest. I’ve tried several times to donate that batman house on the floor. His dresser has been without drawer pulls for at least two years. Maybe that’s why he constantly leaves his clothes on the floor. Alas, we did tidy up his room and it was a breath of fresh air – for a day.

Here’s the deal – when we add more kids to our families, we add more stuff. It’s inevitable. The key is how do we handle all of the stuff without making ourselves or our kids crazy. This isn’t an article on how to best organize your stuff. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know the basics of organizing: sort, categorize, trash, giveaway, quit buying, and teach our kids how to clean up after themselves. These are key sanity savers, but training our mind and emotions to find peace IN the clutter isn’t some organizing technique we check off our to-do list. It’s a state of mind and requires us to use our mental and spiritual muscles. As a mom who is a Christian, I’m constantly relying on God in these chaotic and cluttered moments. He’s my strength, my peace and my joy. Even just taking deep breaths and reaching for peaceful thoughts instead of anxious thoughts helps me to stay steady in the storm.

The kids “playroom.” Not quite what I envisioned, but as with most of the rooms in my home, it’s a work in progress. And it may not be complete until they’re all grown up.

The best tip I can give is manage your thoughts and emotions in the midst of the clutter. Don’t let the desire for a clutter-free home control you. Give yourself grace and freedom to enjoy the moments and don’t always rush to clean them up.

Stay tuned for Calm In The Clutter – Part Two. It does get aesthetically better.

Mommy Mantras

January 12, 2016 by Bright 2 Comments

I talk to myself. Don’t worry. It’s not in the need-to-be-worried-because-I’m-crazy-way. No, it’s more about pumping myself up for the task at hand. Let’s face it. Motherhood is a tough job and one that on somedays I’d like to quit. Or at least take a leave of absence. Okay, well maybe I just want a long, paid vacation. Right. And since that’s not going to happen anytime soon, I’ve realized I need ways to keep myself positive and stay sane. Hence the talking to myself. I’m like a cheerleader in my head.

I call these talking points, Mommy Mantras.

They’re the positive thoughts and phrases I recite to myself. The life-giving Bible verses I memorized 20 years ago. The uplifting song lyrics I sing. The recordings in my head I cling to like a life preserver to keep me afloat.

Our minds are powerful and what we say to ourself matters. What are your Mommy Mantras? What do you say to yourself when your child is losing it and you’re trying not to? Or when you’re feeling down and not sure why. How do you pick yourself up, mentally?

Here are some of my most-used Mommy Mantras. I bet we have many in common, but I guarantee you have a few I’d love to hear. Please share with the rest of us in the comments below.

Here’s to talking to ourselves, keeping our sanity and loving every minute of it!

IT’LL TURN UP

I’m a mom of four kids, which means in my house, we lose things. Lot’s of things. I say it’ll turn up almost every day. Even the kids say it. And then my next saying to myself is, I’ll buy another one. This is the reason I have eight pairs of scissors, five brushes, a handful of Scotch tape rolls and four staplers. When I say to myself, it’ll turn up, I remind myself it’s not a big deal and eventually the lost item will turn up. I let it roll off my back and this eases my anxiety and frustration – most of the time.

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES

In a fast-paced, overly-scheduled world, how often do we stop and smell anything? At least anything that smells good. When I’m pushing the stroller, or walking the dog, I’ll remind myself to stop and smell the roses. I don’t really smell any roses (unless there are some around,) but I do slow down and take in my surroundings. If there’s a fragrant flower around, that’s just a bonus.

LIFE IS GOOD

My husband and I tell each other this often. When we’re stressed out over the little things, we remind each other that life IS really good and we need to chill out. Life is a roller coaster with ups, downs and all arounds. If we can’t relax and enjoy the ups, then how the heck will we get through the downs, because there will be downs. A daily reminder – life is good.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF

How much of what we get anxious about is small stuff? For me – it’s a lot! What if our ability to handle anxiety is like a muscle we can work out? If we work it out and train it, it’ll be a lot stronger for the things which really matter. Experiencing the small things, which use to make us anxious will be like lifting feather weights. Then when it comes to the big stuff, we’ll be ready. So when some little annoying thing happens, tell yourself, don’t sweat the small stuff.

DON’T MAKE A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL

Are you surrounded by a mountain range? Have you forgotten how to prioritize the stressors in life? I’d much rather face a mole hill than a mountain. Stop making a big deal out of everything. (I’m talking to myself.)

LET IT GO

This isn’t just for Elsa. When we tell ourselves to let it go, we can diminish a lot of our irritations in the day. Why hold onto something that just brings us down?

DON’T WORRY, BE HAPPY

I think there’s an anti-stress theme here. Why worry when you can choose to be happy? Easier said than done, but still a great reminder and a great song.

A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING, AND EVERYTHING IN IT’S PLACE

This mantra helps keep me organized. Everything in the house needs a home. When I take my tennis shoes off, I put them back in their shoe slot. When I use the scissors, I put them back in the kitchen drawer. If only my kids would do the same thing, I wouldn’t have to rely on the it’ll turn up mantra because nothing would get lost.

IF IT’S MEANT TO BE, IT’LL WORK OUT

I probably heard this for the first time from my own mother. She’s always had a positive attitude about life’s decisions and how to make them. I want to pass this along to my own kids and teach them if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

What a great reminder. Whatever the circumstance, it’ll pass. Time is a gift in that way. Nothing stays the same.

IT’S JUST A SEASON

This is more of a running joke in my home. When I was first married or had my first child, it was easy to say in rough circumstances, it’s just a season believing that around the corner, things would slow down or get easier. Fast forward 12 years, I’ve realized every season is full and there isn’t a season anytime soon where life gets easier. It’s all in perspective and my reactions to the seasons of life.

JUST BREATHE

I tend to say this one to myself in the car. Maybe because I have a few moments by myself when I’m not chauffeuring kids around. I tell myself to just breathe and then literally take a few deep breaths. How often do you focus on your own breathing? Thank God it’s not up to me to remember to breathe because I’d forget!

JUST DO IT

Yeah yeah…Nike coined the phrase, but we make it happen in our lives. We teach our kids to just do it, and we hopefully show them by our actions how it’s done. Whatever dream you’re holding back on because of fear, let it go and just do it. That’s a twofer.

NO PAIN, NO GAIN

I use this one at the gym. When I don’t want to do another squat or sit up – I say no pain, no gain. Results don’t come easy and pain is part of the process.

LIFE IS SHORT

This is my favorite mantra. It’s easy to get caught up in the day’s events and think we’re invincible. But we’re not. Not to sound morbid, but our days are numbered and frankly, we don’t know when our last day will be. When we get stressed out, we have to remind ourselves life is short. How often have we heard older moms remind us to enjoy it because it goes by fast? Do you know one day we’re going to be that mom who tells the younger mom with a screaming toddler to enjoy it because it goes by fast? She might roll her eyes after we walk away, but she’ll get to the point when she realizes it’s true. So the next time you’re postponing an outing with your child or are too tired to go in and say goodnight, remind yourself life is short. Savor every moment while we can.

PHILIPPIANS 4:6-7

This is my daily, go-to Mommy Mantra. If I had wheel ruts in my brain for every good train of thought that rides by, this Bible verse has made the deepest ruts and is a well-traveled road.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Who doesn’t want peace in their world? What mom doesn’t want to “not be anxious about anything?”

Whichever mommy mantras you use to get you through your days, keep it up. Combat the negative thoughts with positive ones. Thankfully every day is a new day and a fresh start! Maybe I’ll add that to my mommy mantra list.

Screw Perfection

January 1, 2016 by Bright 22 Comments

Perfectionism, or the need to do something perfectly, has prevented me from starting this blog. I’ve had this blog floating in the internet stratosphere for more than two years. Floating – empty, ignored and desperate for content.

Do you know why it took me two years? Because I was afraid.

I was afraid my writing wouldn’t be perfect, or the images I would use wouldn’t be perfect. That I couldn’t launch it perfectly. You see, I think I might be a perfectionist and that kind of stinks. When you have four kids, or even one for that matter, you can’t always be perfect. And oh how hard we try! It’s exhausting! As a mom of four kids, I’ve worn myself out trying to be perfect and keep up, not necessarily with other moms, but more often just trying to keep up with myself and all the things I want to accomplish in this short life. I want to be more than a mom. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and I’m grateful to be a mom, but it doesn’t define all of me. I want to be a writer, maybe even a public speaker, and I don’t want to wait until that perfect “some day” to make a dent into my own dreams. But the need for perfection squashes many people’s dreams, and my desire for it has certainly stalled my own personal blog.

So what better way to check off a New Year’s Resolution than to sit down and do it. So here I am. I’m posting my first blog. It’s not perfect. I don’t have advice to give, or resources to share, or links to send you to. I barely have any content. But, hey, it’s a start and that’s all we have to do sometimes — just start. Or as G.K. Chesterton puts it, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”

In 2016, let’s do what’s worth doing and do the best we can. Don’t let perfectionism lead you down a rabbit hole of procrastination. There’s nothing perfect about doing absolutely nothing. Here’s to a great year of doing absolutely everything!