Family | The Bright Side

How Did I Get Here?

August 24, 2018 by Bright 8 Comments

I have four kids and I sometimes wonder – at what point in my life did I think this was a good idea? I mean seriously. Four kids, four schools, one or more after-school activities per child. What the heck was I thinking?! I’m freaking exhausted in all facets of life. Don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I am grateful for my kids, and I can’t believe God chose me to be their mom. But what was He thinking?!

A month ago it dawned on me, a Scripture verse I’ve clung to for 16 years, has a new meaning as I struggle with the details of four kids. This happens sometimes, right? You read a Bible verse out of the circumstance you’re in at the time, and it speaks to you one way, and then you read the same verse years later and the Holy Spirit applies this verse to your life in a new way. Example –

Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

When I was doing public relations for an inner-city ministry, I often asked ask myself, was the project I was doing a work God prepared in advance for me to do? Because if it wasn’t, I didn’t want to waste my energy on it. I’d experienced the repercussions of doing things out of my own self effort and I was not going to put myself through it again. When it comes to motherhood though, it’s only been in the last month I realized this verse applies to my job as a mom. I use to think the works God prepared in advance for me to do were cool, life-changing works like writing a book one day, or becoming a public speaker, or starting a Bible study. Things I viewed as having great purpose. I never looked at my job as a mom, the daily grind of herding these four sheep, as one of those good works He prepared in advance for me to do. I just saw it as a path in life many decide to take and we do the best the we can while doing some other amazing work God created us for. When I connected the dots that being a mom is one of these works God’s prepared in advance for me to do, my initial reaction was resentment. I thought, really God? This tedious, often thankless job as a mom, which by the way I feel like I’m drowning half the time, is one of those good works you’ve prepared in advance for me to do? Is this all I will do for the rest of my life? I mean by the time my youngest goes to college I’ll be almost 60 years old. I want to do something more. Something that’s going to change lives. Something that makes a difference in the world. How can I do that when I’m up to my eye balls in mom stuff? And then it hits me right between the eyes. If God has prepared in advance the good work of raising four kids, then He’s created this work especially for me and therefore it has divine purpose. Plus He’s equipped me to do it, therefore I can do it. Maybe I need to shift my thinking and realize being a mom is one of those cool works.

I’m sure we’ve all heard the sugary-sweet message, from the happy glowing mom, how being a mom is the greatest, most important job on earth and how much they love being a mom. When I hear this I feel guilty because I don’t relate. I don’t always like being a mom. (gasp!) More often than not, moms like me lose sight of our mighty purpose because all we see and feel are the daily demands of dirty laundry, groceries, doctors appointments, school activities, dinner preps, home lunches, kids’ clutter, bedtime routines and the list goes on and on. It can be a thankless job. Life as we knew it has been sucked out of us and we’re a shell of the person we use to be. We try and convince ourselves to be happy because the reality is we are very blessed to be moms and we want to love our jobs. The beauty, and frankly the saving grace I find lately, is reminding myself God is in it with me. I’m not alone. He’s my boss. He truly has prepared this good work for me to do and He’s equipped me to do it. Even when I feel like a crappy mom and I want to quit my job, He’s not a quitter and He won’t give up on me. And He won’t give up on the dreams I have of good works I will do in the future.

As I face my day and tackle my to-do list, instead of grumbling about how hard this job is and how long I have to go until my kids are in college, I’m going to remind myself and God, this is a work He prepared in advance for me to do. I will do it with a more hopeful, thankful and happy heart, truly believing I do have one of the most important jobs on earth. Now what’s the vacation policy?

Friendship At Every Age

October 7, 2017 by Bright 5 Comments

Remember that song we sang as kids? “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold.” Does that mean our new friends are silver and our old ones are gold? Or maybe it’s the other way around. How about platinum friends? I’ve definitely got a few platinum friends and probably some bronze, copper, nickel, tin and aluminum friends too. The point is – making and keeping friends at any age has it’s challenges and triumphs. We assume making new friends gets easier with age, but honestly I believe it gets harder. You add kids into the mix and your life is no longer your own. You’re lucky if you can squeeze in a lunch date or a girls night out. At some point you realize it’s okay because your true friends are there for you no matter what. Even if you haven’t talked with them in months, you can call them and pick up right where you left off.

I was recently at a lunch with some ladies of all ages and it was fascinating to hear how each of us had friendship challenges. Many of us were moms, some older, some younger. But the common thread was no matter how old we get, we still have to navigate the nuances of making new friends, keeping old friends and actually letting some friends go. I had to break the news to my middle-school-aged daughter, who sadly has been the recipient of some mean girl situations, that even when she’s my age, mean girl stuff still happens. Just because I’m in my forties doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. And neither do my friends. But as with most of our life experiences, we can learn and teach our kids through them. Here are my own teachable friend moments, which I hope resonate with you and encourage you.

Be the kind of friend you want to have in your own life. Or as the saying goes, treat others how you want to be treated. Even Jesus tells us in Luke 6:31, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I know I can be a better friend, and quite honestly, I can be a better friend starting right here in my own home to my husband and kids.
Don’t take it personally. Ouch. This is the hardest lesson for me to learn because I tend to take everything personal. I’ve had to unlearn this, especially with friends and those I’ve thought were friends. We have to extend grace because we don’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes — Remember, it’s not always about you.
Don’t over extend yourself with too many friends. I’m a sociable person and involved with a variety of groups. It’s a great thing, but if I’m not careful I’ll run myself ragged trying to plug in everywhere. We can’t be close friends with everyone and it’s okay. It’s like a circle with several outer circles. You have your best friend(s) in the center, then your great friends, then your good friends and then acquaintances. Even that might be too many people for most people.
Four quarters are better than 100 pennies. Love this nugget of truth my friend Stephanie shared with me. It’s easier and often more meaningful to keep up with a few close friends than trying to keep up with 100. Share this one with your kids when they’re feeling bummed about being left out by a supposed good friend. Or when your child seems content to have just one close friend and you tend to have many. Less is more.
Friendships go through seasons – just like we do. Our lives are made up of seasons – single, newly married, married with no kids, married with young kids, married with old kids, empty-nesters, senior citizens. All these seasons of life carry with them all sorts of friendships. The friends I had when I was single in New York City are different than the friends I had when as a brand new mom. And now the friends I have in Tampa as a mom with four kids are different than the friends I had in college or even high school. But if we’re lucky, we keep friends from all seasons of life – the gold ones, the silver ones and every metal one in between.
Learn to say sorry. If you offend your friend, apologize and show empathy. It’s inevitable we will hurt and get our feelings hurt in friendships. We’re only human. How you handle it when it happens is what is important. If you’re in it for the long haul, do the work to stay friends and communicate how you feel and listen to how they feel. It’s easier said than done. Sometimes it’s easier not to say anything, not to be uncomfortable and to move on to other friends. But who benefits? – no one. On the other hand, if you’ve tried to communicate and the friend isn’t interested, learn to let them go and move on. Life is too short and too full as parents to be bogged down with someone who doesn’t want or know how to be a friend.
Cultivate your friendships. Relationships grow stronger when we give them our time and attention. Sometimes though we’re in the throws of parenthood and we can’t squeak out the time we’d like to be a good friend. In these cases, even a quick phone call to say hello, or a text to say you’re thinking about them is a good start. When we give our time and energy to something, good things come out of it.
Manage your expectations. One friend can’t be your all-in-all. Your spouse might come close, but realize your friends can’t meet your every need, and therefore don’t put those expectations on them. Actually don’t put those expectations on anyone, not even your spouse. Only the one who created us can meet our every need and God know us the deepest. When it comes to friends, we each offer something different and unique to one another. I have one longtime friend who I know when I call her, she will make me belly laugh about the hardships of motherhood. I have another friend who when we get together for coffee, she knows how to go deep into the heart of spiritual things which matter. And another friend who keeps it light and fun. Know your friends’ capabilities and keep your expectations real.

Friendships are a gift and I’m blessed to have some fabulous women in my life. Thank you to ALL my friends over all the seasons of my life. I love each of you more than you know.

Credit – True Friendship Quotes on Pinterest.com

Lesson Learned? Maybe, Maybe Not.

March 27, 2017 by Bright Leave a Comment

A 26-year-old female clipped the rear left bumper of my friend’s car as she drove my three-year-old to dance class. The driver’s excuse – “I was bending down to get some napkins.” She didn’t notice my friend slowing down to make a right-hand turn, and when she looked up, she hit my friend’s car as she tried to swerve and miss her. Thankfully, my daughter was in a car seat on the right hand side and no one was hurt. The impact was low and my daughter related the experience to hitting a bump in the road. The police officer who came to the scene says he sees this type of accident all of the time. The reason for it — texting. He checked for the so-called napkins she was reaching for, and surprise – there were none. She later fessed up and admitted she was texting.

Along with my husband who came to the scene to make sure everything was okay, the girl’s father came to the scene as well. I can only imagine what her father thought as he saw my adorable three-year-old as part of an accident his daughter caused. And all because she was texting. What did he say to her? Of course he’d say all of the fatherly things making sure she was okay, but then what would he say?

What the hell were you thinking?

I’ve told you a thousand times not to text and drive.

There was a child in that car. You’re lucky it was a fender bender and nothing more.

Have you learned your lesson now?

Those are just a few things I imagine I’d say if it were my kid behind the wheel. I’m sure this father has told her a thousand times not to text and drive, but as with many things we tell our kids, until they experience the consequences, they don’t learn. She texted while driving — and my daughter — and my friend, had no choice but to be part of this young woman’s life lesson. It makes me angry my three-year-old was part of someone else’s life lesson. But if I play it out and wonder why, one thing I come up with is maybe, just maybe, another person’s life will be saved. Another parent’s child will be saved because this young lady has learned her lesson and will not text while driving again…hopefully. It’s only a good lesson if this driver actually learns it. Let’s hope she does because if there is a next time, she may not be so lucky.

This lesson isn’t just for her. It’s for all of us who get distracted while driving – me included. Did you know the month of April is Distracted Driving Awareness Month? They actually have a month dedicated to teaching drivers not to be distracted behind the wheel. Whether it’s texting, answering a phone call, bending down to get something in the car, there are many ways to be a distracted driver. If you need a refresher course, or need tools to teach your own kids about the risks of distracted driving, visit the National Safety Council website or the Distraction.Gov website for great resources.

A lesson is only as good as the person who learns from it. Drive safe.

A Mom’s Three-Ring Circus

September 17, 2016 by Bright 2 Comments

Artwork by Avery Owens circa 2013.

I often get my writing ideas in the car and they usually come to me in analogies – when I compare my life to something else. The other day my schedule was packed and I mean jam-packed. My four kids were at three separate schools and as usual, Monday was early release day for all but one child. Thankfully my husband works from home and we can often tag-team on school pick ups. But this Monday felt full, very full. My two girls were starting lacrosse for the first time that evening, and I had my kids’ tutors for math and spelling falling on the same day, at the same time. It was a mental exercise to figure out which kid was going to sit down with which tutor at exactly what time. Needless to say, my life that day (and most days) felt like a three-ring circus.

Do you remember as a kid going under the big top and being mesmerized by all the colorful activity? In one ring the circus clowns stuff themselves into a small car, and in the center ring the lion tamer shoves his head in the lion’s mouth, and then in the third ring the trapeze artists swing from one side to the next. And above it all a tight-rope walker is suspended in mid air. It’s too many good things happening at once! You don’t know where to focus and you’re afraid if you look away from the lion tamer to watch the clowns, you’ll miss some incredible death-defying trick. Your eyes bounce around to take it all in and it’s thrilling, but at the same time visually exhausting and usually frustrating if you’re trying to watch it all at the same time. It’s beautifully impossible.

Sometimes our lives as moms can feel like a three-ring circus. When I google the definition of a three-ring circus, Merriam-Webster.com states the obvious which is a circus that has three separate areas where performances occur at the same time. But it also says it’s a place with a lot of busy and confusing activity or something wild, confusing, engrossing or entertaining. I don’t know about you, but I can certainly relate to busy and confusing activity. Did you know the circus didn’t start out with three rings, but with just one ring? In reading some of the circus history, rings were added to give the audience “more bang for their buck,” but even in the late 1880’s when the first-ever three ring circus came to town, not everyone was a fan. On the site, History-Magazine.com, it says, The New York Herald called the three rings a drawback because “the spectator was compelled to receive more than his money’s worth; in other words, that while his head was turned in one direction he felt it was losing something good in another.” Sometimes more isn’t always better.

How often as moms do we feel like our kids are going to miss out if they don’t get to do a certain activity? But who is really missing out when we’re doing too much? I think we’re all missing out. Just as it’s hard to fully take in all the fun things in a three-ring circus, it’s hard to take in and enjoy a life that’s a three-ring circus. So how do we scale back? How do we go from a three-ring circus back to a two-ring or even a one-ring circus? Do we even want to go back to a one-ring circus? Can we make three-rings work? Moms are expert jugglers and only we know the capacity of our kids and of ourselves. We have to get good at assessing our time, our kids’ time, our capacity and understanding the season we’re in and what we can handle as a family. Every school year is different and comes with it’s own challenges. We have to decide how much challenge we can handle.

The circus, as coined by P.T. Barnum. is the Greatest Show On Earth. But you know what, life with kids is OUR greatest show on earth. Even though at times it feels like a confusing, wild, three-ring circus, it’s still a freaking circus and circuses are suppose to be fun! Let’s remind ourselves to have fun and if we miss what’s happening in ring one, who cares – focus on ring two or ring three. So grab your circus popcorn, cloud of cotton candy and refreshing Coke and enjoy the greatest show on earth – your life with kids.

Calm In The Clutter – Part One

August 30, 2016 by Bright 1 Comment

I’ve learned a lot as a mom of four kids, but one thing I continue to learn is how to find calm in the constant clutter. It seems impossible, but it’s really a mindset.

Ahh…the baby nursery. Such a sweet, picture-perfect room – not the case in my home. None of my kids have ever had a complete, finished nursery. But honestly, who cares? Here’s my 2-year-old’s room before clean up time. Does it make you anxious? I’ve learned the ability of “chipping away” at the mess and not trying to tackle it all at once. Mind over matter. The clean room lasted one day, maybe two. Such is life.

We try and control our atmosphere, our home environment and even our kids. But it’s really about getting control of our thoughts and emotions in the midst of chaos. Raising kids, multiple kids is chaotic and until we can find peace in the midst of it – we’ll drive ourselves crazy.

With each child I’ve been blessed with, I’ve also been blessed with the ability to let go of any expectations when it comes to a clutter-free home. It didn’t come easy and I still wrestle with my expectations, but for the most part, I win. I don’t have a Pottery Barn-catalog home, and I won’t until my kids are grown and out of the house. I’m okay with this – to a degree. I remember having my first child and how organized I was with a few toys and handful of books in our 1500 square foot home in Queens, NY. I bought these great leather cube organizers (Pottery Barn of course,) which served three purposes in one – ottoman, table and toy-hider. They were great until we had more kids. Then it was a free-for-all and those cute little ottoman toy hiders couldn’t do the trick. I then pulled out a label maker and went crazy labeling toy bins. That worked — for a minute. I added more bookshelves to the kids’ rooms and still books piled up. I bought clear plastic containers to shove under beds, but still the stuff seemed to overtake my home. With four kids it’s a constant battle with the stuff – toys, clothes, books, crafts, school papers – you name, they have it or bring it home. It can overwhelm the most organized mom to a point where she’s melting down, going on a rampage with a garbage bag in hand threatening to throw away ALL the toys in the house. I’ve been that mom, and I’m sure I’ve scarred my kids for life. Thankfully kids are resilient, and they’ll get over it. Or they’ll seek counseling when they’re adults and then have their own kids and know what the heck it’s like. Either way, finding calm in the clutter comes down to a mindset. It’s like those sayings, “You have to pick your battles,” or “Don’t make mountains out of mole hills.” Don’t allow stuff to control your atmosphere and therefore your emotions.

My son has the best room in the house. Although by the looks of this, it’s one of the messiest. I’ve tried several times to donate that batman house on the floor. His dresser has been without drawer pulls for at least two years. Maybe that’s why he constantly leaves his clothes on the floor. Alas, we did tidy up his room and it was a breath of fresh air – for a day.

Here’s the deal – when we add more kids to our families, we add more stuff. It’s inevitable. The key is how do we handle all of the stuff without making ourselves or our kids crazy. This isn’t an article on how to best organize your stuff. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know the basics of organizing: sort, categorize, trash, giveaway, quit buying, and teach our kids how to clean up after themselves. These are key sanity savers, but training our mind and emotions to find peace IN the clutter isn’t some organizing technique we check off our to-do list. It’s a state of mind and requires us to use our mental and spiritual muscles. As a mom who is a Christian, I’m constantly relying on God in these chaotic and cluttered moments. He’s my strength, my peace and my joy. Even just taking deep breaths and reaching for peaceful thoughts instead of anxious thoughts helps me to stay steady in the storm.

The kids “playroom.” Not quite what I envisioned, but as with most of the rooms in my home, it’s a work in progress. And it may not be complete until they’re all grown up.

The best tip I can give is manage your thoughts and emotions in the midst of the clutter. Don’t let the desire for a clutter-free home control you. Give yourself grace and freedom to enjoy the moments and don’t always rush to clean them up.

Stay tuned for Calm In The Clutter – Part Two. It does get aesthetically better.

A Moment To Remember

March 11, 2016 by Bright 10 Comments

When you lose someone you love, certain dates become memories we never forget.

It was 12 years ago today we took my 33-year-old brother off of life support. He died eight days later. It was the worst eight days of my life. The struggle of questioning whether we were doing the right thing by taking him off life support. Sitting with the doctors as they told us he was brain dead, or more specifically, “He’s in a vegetative state.” What if they were wrong? But they’re the doctors and you trust them when they go over the test results again and again.

When the time came to turn off the life support, we surrounded his bed and we said our good-byes. But unlike in the movies when the person goes quickly, my brother lasted eight days. We were told he had a young heart and that’s why his body hung on. Either way, it was horrible and my heart goes out to those who have to make that choice.

I share this experience today not for empathy or to depress you, but rather more for myself. It’s my own little moment of therapy crammed in between my typical motherly duties of carpool, after-school activities and diaper changes. When you lose someone you love, you want to remember them so badly and you want someone else to remember too. But more often than not, you, and maybe a few other family members are the only ones who remember this kind of day. And you know what, it’s okay. It’s life and life moves forward whether we like it at times or not.

Time supposedly heals us in some way, but I think it has more of a numbing effect. Frankly, I’m kind of upset with time today because it’s taken me further away from my memories and experiences with my brother. There’s more distance between the moments we shared, and it makes me sad. My kids are growing older and my brother is relegated to a memory I share with them or a picture on our family wall. They’ll never know my brother on this side of Heaven. But boy what a day it’ll be when we see him in Heaven. And that’s a thought which brings me some happiness today.

In one of my last conversations with my brother he told me one of his best accomplishments was becoming an uncle. He died five weeks after my first daughter was born. He never got to meet his nieces or nephew, but I know he would have enjoyed them and been a pretty cool uncle. I now get to watch them grow up and navigate their own sibling relationships. I’m both thrilled for them and kind of jealous.

For those who’ve lost a loved one, which is probably most of you, I just want you know I remember them with you. And even though years pass by and we get further away from the life we lived with them, they’re still with us in some way. Just today I scrolled through the car radio stations on my way home and heard Tom Petty’s song, Free Fallin. This was one of my brother’s favorite songs. Mom, you were right. He’s with me no matter how many years go by and it’s in those moments I get a little closer to him.

My favorite moment is when I laugh. It’s in my laughter I actually hear him laugh. For some strange reason we share the same laugh and that brings a smile to my face. Even on a day like today.